We're lost, but we're making great time! [ Yogi Berra ]
Here lies the body of Jonathan Near
Whose mouth it stretched from ear to ear.
Tread softly, stranger, o'er this wonder,
For if he yawns, you're gone, by thunder! [ Epitaph ]
A smile re-cures the wounding of a frown. [ Shakespeare ]
War disorganises, but it is to re-organise. [ Ralph Waldo Emerson ]
O, 'tis the curse in love, and still approved,
When women cannot love where they're beloved! [ William Shakespeare, Two Gentlemen of Verona, Act V. Sc. 4 ]
Great honours are great burdens; but on whom
They're cast with envy, he doth bear two loads. [ Ben Jonson ]
At thirty, man suspects himself a fool,
Knows it at forty, and reforms his plan.
At fifty, chides his infamous delay.
Pushes his prudent purpose to resolve.
Resolves - and re-resolves; then dies the same. [ Young ]
No matter where you're from your dreams are valid. [ Lupita Nyong'o ]
Fate holds the strings, and men like children move
But as they're led; success is from above. [ Lord Lansdowne ]
They are the heritage that glorious minds
Bequeath unto the world! — a glittering store
Of gems, more precious far than those he finds
Who searches miser's hidden treasures over.
They are the light, the guiding star of youth.
Leading his spirit to the realms of thought,
Pointing the way to Virtue, Knowledge, Truth,
And teaching lessons, with deep wisdom fraught.
They cast strange beauty round our earthly dreams,
And mystic brightness over our daily lot;
They lead the soul afar to fairy scenes,
Where the world's under visions enter not;
They're deathless and immortal — ages pass away,
Yet still they speak, instruct, inspire, amidst decay! [ Emeline S. Smith ]
The material of thought re-acts upon the thought itself. [ Lowell ]
They say, the tongues of dying men
Enforce attention, like deep harmony;
Where words are scarce, they're seldom spent in vain;
For they breathe truth, that breathe their words in pain. [ William Shakespeare ]
We have a good time together, even when we're not together. [ Yogi Berra ]
If you don't know where you're going, you might not get there. [ Yogi Berra ]
Speak when you're spoken to, and drink when you're drunken to. [ Proverb ]
Old houses mended cost little less than new before they're ended. [ Gibber ]
The hardest time to lie to somebody is when they're expecting to be lied to. [ Alan Turing ]
If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man, they're gone." [ Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts ]
We're not ourselves when Nature, being oppressed, commands the mind to suffer with the body. [ William Shakespeare ]
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. [ Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts ]
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. [ Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts ]
We are all of us so hard-up nowadays that the only pleasant things to pay are compliments. They're the only things we can pay. [ Oscar Wilde, Lady Windemere's Fan ]
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. [ Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts ]
When people talk to each other, they never say what they mean. They say something else and you're expected to just know what they mean. [ Alan Turing ]
No book is worth anything which is not worth much; nor is it serviceable until it has been read, and re-read, and loved, and loved again. [ John Ruskin ]
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life. [ Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts ]
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur. [ Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts ]
When you're part of a team, you stand up for your teammates. Your loyalty is to them. You protect them through good and bad, because they'd do the same for you. [ Yogi Berra ]
Superstition is passing away without return. Religion cannot pass away. The burning of a little straw may hide the stars in the sky; but the stars are there, and will re-appear. [ Carlyle ]
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. [ Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts ]
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opened wider, go
Whoa! Whoa! and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in. [ Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts ]
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and think of what other words have 'under' in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness. [ Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts ]
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a very beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. [ Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts ]
If there ever was an aviary overstocked with jays it is that Yaptown-on-the-Hudson, called New York. Cosmopolitan they call it, you bet. So's a piece of fly-paper. You listen close when they're buzzing and trying to pull their feet out of the sticky stuff.
Little old New York's good enough for us - that's what they sing. [ O. Henry, A Tempered Wind ]
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say,
Think again, bat man. [ Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts ]
The most influential books, and the truest in their influence, are works of fiction. They repeat, they re-arrange, they clarify the lessons of life; they disengage us from ourselves, they constrain us to the acquaintance of others; and they show us the web of experience, but with a singular change - that monstrous, consuming ego of ours being, nonce, struck out. [ Robert Louis Stevenson ]
If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say,
Boy, these are good cigars! [ Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts ]
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming.
You don't have to tell me, I said.
I'm off the team, aren't I?
Well, said Coach,
you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times. It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on. [ Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts ]